Golden State Worriers
Last night as I was putting my four year old to bed, she asked if I was going to watch television after she fell asleep. I told her I was planning on watching the Blue Jays play baseball against the Mariners. I then had to explain what a mariner is (easy enough) and why baseball players wanted to be called that (less easy.)
She then wanted to know what other teams were called. Lying on her floor in the dark, I rattled off all the professional sports franchises I could remember, while she passed judgment on whether or not their names were any good.
Some of it was interesting (she immediately noted the preponderance of bird and animal names), some of it was tricky (“Daddy, what’s a Redskin?â€) and some of it was downright hilarious (she nearly wet the bed laughing at “Mighty Ducksâ€.)
Here, for your amusement, are a few of her actual observations:
Dad: Golden State Warriors.
Daughter: What’s a warrior?
Dad: Someone who is brave and fights a lot.
Daughter: Warriors aren’t brave. They worry all the time. Like Wemberly.
Dad: Warriors, not “worriersâ€.
Daughter: Oh.
Dad: Pittsburgh Steelers.
Daughter: Do they take stuff?
Dad: Huh?
Daughter: Like Swiper on Dora. Steal things.
Dad: Different kind of steel, with an “eâ€. It means someone who works with metal.
Daughter: Do they work with metal?
Dad: No.
Dad: Denver Nuggets.
Daughter: What’s a nugget?
Dad: A small bit of rock, or gold.
Daughter: Or chicken!
Dad: True! But I don’t think they’d want to be called the Denver McNuggets.
Daughter: Me neither.
Dad: New England Patriots.
Daughter: I’m not interested in that.
Dad: L.A. Clippers.
Daughter: That makes me think of hair clips.
Dad: A clipper is also a sailboat.
Daughter: Or toenail clippers.
Dad: Cleveland Browns.
Daughter: Brown isn’t pretty. Red is pretty.
Dad: Well, there are the Cincinnati Reds…
Daughter: Are they pretty?
Dad: Not really.
Dad: Chicago Bears.
Daughter: You already said Grizzlies and Cubs. There are Bears too?
Dad: Yep.
Daughter: They could be a family.
Dad: Yep.
Daughter: But they don’t really look like bears, just like grown-ups. Right?
Dad: Yep.
Dad: Buffalo Bills.
Daughter: Buffalo don’t have bills. Ducks have bills! That’s silly!
Dad: Atlanta Hawks.
Daughter: Zzzzzzzz.
Dad: I agree entirely.
Tags: sports, team names, kids, golden state warriors, denver nuggets, buffalo bills, clippers, gorbould
Body count
I don't have a September 11 story worth telling. Thank God. Like everyone else in Canada, I arrived at work to see everyone gathered around a TV screen in shock and horror.
Among the things I remember from that morning: uneasiness at working directly beneath the CN Tower (which seemed like a likely target if the airplanes-into-towers thing went local), and the feeling that as a journalist, I should be doing something to cover the biggest story in years. Of course, I was working on a children's television pilot at the time, and was of no use at all. But feeling scared and useless were by no means unique.
(For a much better story, read the captivating account that my J-school colleague Karen Mah wrote about living beside the World Trade Center.)
I wasn't going to blog at all today - there will no doubt be many better things to read. But as I was parking my bike on this crisp September morning, I remembered another story of lives cut short that is worth telling.
On the southeast border of the CBC's Front Street offices is an unusual memorial called 100 Workers.
It's a long stone wall featuring the names of 100 Ontario workers who died in workplace accidents over the past 100 years. Actually, there are only 99 names - the final plaque is left blank, awaiting one of the nearly 1,000 workers who are killed on the job in Canada every year.
The installation spans the parkette between CBC and the Workplace Safety & Insurance Board offices located in Simcoe Place next door. But that connection isn't obvious. Most people who see 100 Workers are tourists, passing by on their way to a Jays game, a ride up the CN Tower or a Hippo bus tour of the harbour.
Given that frame of mind, the passers-by are usually caught off guard by small bronze plaques that read "pinned between tractor, scoop and ram", "engulfed in flames in a chemical explosion" and "bullet wound in chest."
I lock up my bike a few feet behind this monument each day, so I get to overhear snippets of tourists' conversations as they saunter along and read the names. The first reaction is always the same - a sort of snickering "holy crap, lookit this one!", followed by an attempt to find a method of dying more gruesome than the others. But after about a third of the wall, the snickering stops and the message sinks in. Not everyone sees the blank final plaque, but those that do are quieted for a few paces.
100 Workers is much more than a body count. There's a story behind each plaque, and each name. For example:
"Engulfed in flames" is Sean Kells.
He was 19 years old, killed on his third day of a job he didn't know was dangerous. When the 100 Workers monument was unveiled, Robin Kells was furious that his brother's entire life was reduced to a single line about his death. But he came around.
I have a small connection to another plaque, and I keep waiting for an opportunity to explain it to some meandering tourist who reads it out loud, as they often do.
"Bullet wound in chest" is Edmund Tong.
Tong was a Toronto police detective who was murdered when he pulled over a car containing two bank robbers. Those robbers - Steve Suchan and Leonard Jackson - were members of the notorious Boyd Gang of the 1950s, and the subject of one of the first items I did for the CBC Digital Archives.
The Boyd Gang is often remembered fondly for their daredevil ways - they busted out of the Don Jail twice, the first time using a hacksaw blade hidden in Jackson's artificial leg. Their second jailbreak became the subject of CBC-TVs first news report.
Captivating stuff - but every time I see the plaque, I am reminded that they were also cop killers. And yet, even cop killers have families, and their deaths are mourned.
Suchan's mother was a cleaning lady at a law firm. One night she begged famed lawyer J.J. Robinette to defend her son. He lost the case, and Suchan was sentenced to death. So was Jackson, who had merely been along for the ride. The two men were hanged simultaneously, with their backs together. Robinette was so upset that he left criminal law to become legal counsel.
I screened another archival clip (which was too laden with copyright issues to use) featuring an interview with Jackson's son, who watched his father hang. The guards forced Jackson to remove his artificial foot, and his son had to watch his dad hop awkwardly on one foot towards a gallows that he had to share with the real murderer.
That image bothers me. I can't see Jackson's death bringing the world any more satisfaction than Tong's, or Kells', or the 3,000 people who died on September 11th, 2001, or the 1,000+ American soldiers or the tens of thousands of Iraqis killed since. Every single one was preventable, and every single one is missed by someone. They died because they showed up for work, or they were in the wrong place at the wrong time.
How many blank plaques do we need, exactly?
Signage of the Apocalypse #3
If it's too inept...
If you read my haphazard Blogger profile, you'll notice that one of my favourite books is Sherwood Anderson's Winesburg, Ohio. It's a sad and wonderful collection of short stories about small-town characters, woven together by the experiences of a young reporter named George Willard.
Like George, I grew up and got my first newspaper gig in a small town. And like George, there was a defining moment when I knew I had to leave.
Now, unlike George, my departure wasn't facilitated by a death, a failed romance, a fight and an adolescent epiphany - though it did make me briefly consider my hometown (Woodstock, Ont. - hmm, it even sounds like that book title) to be "squalid and commonplace."
My epiphany was written on the back of a 1970 Chevelle.
Woodstock is one of those towns with a "main drag", where the main dragsters cruise endlessly and pointlessly up and down all night long (Dundas Street, from the Tim's to the McD's and back), showing off their pseudo-muscle cars with their Cragar rims and chrome headers and whatnot.
Some of these cars had catchy slogans (or car stereo brands) plastered across their back windows. The Chevelle in question had the following, stuck on with those gold-coloured, trapezoidal letters that people used to use for boat numbers and mailboxes:

OK, so this graphic is a mock-up based on my fuzzy memory - it could have been a Malibu or a 442, and I don't know if it was powder blue - but the spelling has HAUNTED ME FOREVER.
Four spelling mistakes in seven words! You couldn't do worse if you tried.
I'd think that if you were driving down to the Canadian Tire or the Co-Op to buy letters to permanently pimp your ride with a classic, stick-it-to-the-man phrase (anyone know where it originated?), you might check the spelling with a friend who had passed Grade 10. But no, 1980s Woodstonian, you did not.
One look at that car, and I knew my time was up. Like George Willard, I packed my bags and left town for good, letting Woodstock "become but a background on which to paint the dreams of my manhood."
Except my manhood will go through a spell checker first.
[Previous Signage of the Apocalypse here and here. Apologies for the posting gap - I was having "broken pipe" problems between Blogger and Netfirms, which seem to have been resolved. For now.]
Opening lines
Help me out here. My whole life, I’ve been one anecdote short of a good conversation starter.
I used to go to a lot more concerts than I do now (thanks a lot, two small children!) One of the things I really used to enjoy was listening for the concert’s opening line.
Here’s the scene:
You got your tickets weeks ago. Tonight, you arrived early, and have been waiting in a hot, pressing crowd for ages. Finally, the lights dim. The band walks on stage and takes up their instruments. As the cheering dies down, the lead singer steps to the mic, leans forward, and says…
Well, I have two great examples, but I need a third. Here are my two:
1) New Model Army, at The Trasheteria in Guelph, Ont., 1993.
NMA is one of those energy bands, even better live than on disc. Their music is raw and melodic, politically edgy, angry and sad both.
I drove to Guelph to catch their show with a couple of friends from Trent University. The Trash was (is?) a dark, hole-in-the-wall sort of affair, with a giant fake lizard affixed to the black ceiling. We waited for at least an hour in the middle of the crowded room, sliding into a good spot behind the mixing board.
The roadie who manned it was wearing the band’s Thunder & Consolation tour shirt. Staring at his back, we read off the names of the previous stops on the tour: Frankfurt, Berlin, Amsterdam, Paris, London, New York, Chicago… we got lucky to catch them here.
Finally the band takes the stage. Lead singer Justin Sullivan, who sometimes goes by the name Slade the Leveler, is not a pretty man. Lank hair, tattoos and jewelry, scowling eyes, English teeth.
He straps on his guitar, steps the mic, and surveys the crowd. Pauses. Obviously he’s thinking of the concert shirt locations too, because he says only this (in his working-class English accent) before launching into a barrage of guitar distortion:
"Guelph...... at last!"
2) Art Bergmann, at Call The Office in London, Ont., 1995
Art Bergmann is no pretty boy himself.
I have a thing for rock ‘n rollers who really look like they’ve earned a rock ‘n roll living, and Art has cred to spare.
From his early days with the K-Tels and the Young Canadians to his later solo years, Art lived hard. He was a drunk of the Shane MacGowan school and has the same hard-bitten look and sharp eyes of NMA's Sullivan.
The tour I saw was for the What Fresh Hell Is This? disc (his "I've just kicked heroin" album).
My J-school buddy Mike (now at the Globe) dragged me out to see Art at Call The Office – a good place to see bands, though it was decidedly better-heeled than the Trash; the lights were bright, the crowd orderly.
Except for up on stage. Somehow, Bergmann has managed to already take exception to someone near the front row before the show even started. Without warning, and without his band, Art stumbles up to the mic and points and accusatory finger.
Art is not a young man, and he’s not in good shape, but he’s ready to ditch the concert and start a fight. As his band scrambles to get the music playing and restrain their singer, Bergmann turns to the crowd and says:
"If buddy wants to fucking go, I’m fucking ready!"
Priceless! But if I had a third anecdote, it’d somehow feel like a legit topic instead of two mildly interesting memories.
So, until I get back out there on the scene, tell me yours. Remember any good concert opening lines? Witty banter between songs? Highlight-reel moments? I want to hear them!
Signage of the Apocalypse #2
Einbahnstrasse
This one happened to my parents, not me, but I can certainly sympathize.
Both my parents come from England, and speak only English. But they were both Geography teachers, and really had the travel bug.
Before I was born, my folks had toured all over Europe, and even lived in Kenya for a couple of years after they got married. When my sister and were old enough to travel, our family would spend each summer living in a different part of the world, courtesy of house exchanges or traditional vacations.
Mom and dad got to be pretty good at navigating the planet. But once in a while the simplest thing would throw them off.
Case in point: One time, before I was born, they took a trip to Germany. They rented a car, and drove to a major city. Being good geography teachers, they had maps and had studied the landmarks, but they were still nervous about finding their way around the narrow streets.

After parking the car, they were careful to take note of where they left it. They looked around for the name of the street - they knew the German word for "street" was "straße" ... and saw a rectangular sign that looked about right: Einbahnstrasse.
They diligently wrote down Einbahnstrasse, and went sightseeing.
Of course, they had quite a time finding the car again. They found Einbahnstrasse, but no car. They they found a different Einbahnstrasse... then another, and another.
As you probably know (but they didn't): "Einbahnstrasse" = "One Way Street".
I'm still not sure how they managed to figure out "strasse", but not "ein" (they could count to ten in German) and "bahn" (they drove there on the Autobahn). But they learned to pick apart those damnable German compound words in a hurry.


