Flagrante delicto

Got a great little advertising idea yesterday when I was at a Raptors game.

Just about everything in basketball - like most sports - has some sort of sponsorship tie-in.

It’s never more obvious than when you enter the Air Canada Centre - walking past the Smirnoff Icebox and the MGD Best Seats in the House to the Sprite Zone (worst seats in the house.)

When the Raptors sink a three-point shot, the scoreboard tells you that it’s brought to you by McDonald’s, and you hear the “ba duh ba ba ba” audio sting (in radio we call these mnemonics.) Then there’s the Axe Raptors Dance Pak gyrating, promotions like the AMJ Campbell Move of the Game, the Casino Rama Halftime Show (really bad this year) and video features like the Playstation Big Plays of the Week (last night, I noticed the lamest one of these ever - the MedCan Clinic Inactive Players list!)

It’s much worse on television. Depending on the network, you’ll be treated to the IBM Winning Strategies, the T-Mobile Halftime Report, Direct Energy Looking Forward, Nestle Crunch Time, Got Milk Rookie Report, somebody-or-other’s Keys to the Game, somebody-else’s Connection of the Game, etc.

I don’t know how much the sponsors fork over for these opportunities, but it must add up. Great opportunity, though - unlike a commercial, which you can tune out, in these cases your product name gets dropped during the action itself, whenever something noteworthy happens and people are paying attention.

So I’m thinking, “How can I get in on this action?” What would I sponsor, and what can I afford?

It couldn’t be anything as frequent as a three-pointer. The Raptors are averaging six of those per game, so anything over a buck a pop would be out of my league.

Then it came to me: the flagrant foul!

A flagrant foul is defined as follows:

To be unsportsmanlike is to act in a manner unbecoming to the image of professional basketball. It consists of acts of deceit, disrespect of officials and profanity. The penalty for such action is a technical foul. Repeated acts shall result in expulsion from the game and a minimum fine of $1000.

A flagrant foul-penalty (1) is unnecessary contact committed by a player against an opponent.

A flagrant foul-penalty (2) is unnecessary and excessive contact committed by a player against an opponent. It is an unsportsmanlike act and the offender is ejected immediately.

Two levels, you see – a tech for being rude, and an ejection for being dangerous.

But both are testaments to aggression and poor sportsmanship, and that’s TV gold. They always get the crowd going, and they always make the highlight reel. I’d like to sponsor both levels.

I suppose sponsoring technical or flagrant fouls might give the perception that I was encouraging poor sportsmanship, but that’s not the case. I couldn’t afford to! Each flagrant would cost me money - sort of like a fine - so I’m sure people would know I’m against them.

Best of all, they happen relatively rarely.

Flagrants, the Cadillac of fouls, happen once in a blue moon and cause quite a stir (e.g. the possibly-ordered-by-Isiah hit by Mardy Collins on J.R. Smith, causing this year’s Knicks-Nuggets rumble and many, many suspensions.)

And techs? Even crazy eyes Rasheed Wallace only got 17 technical fouls last year. And that led jokesters to suggest the NBA name a new foul after him, and even his own rock ‘em sock ‘em DVD.

My Raptors don’t have any ‘Sheeds on their bench. They’ve earned just six technical fouls this year, and not one flagrant. They don’t have a single player in the top 25 NBA foul leaders.

So the Raps are on pace for a dozen techs this season, and that’s a pace I could afford. Over the year, sponsoring the flagrant foul would probably only set me back the cost of a lower bowl ticket.

And the standard for unsportsmanlike conduct is very high for the Raptors. Chris Bosh got a tech for looking at his bench!

And remember last year when Morris Peterson got ejected for goofing around with Vince Carter?

It’s like the refs are already stretching to squeeze in advertising opportunities for me.

Of course, I don’t really have a product to advertise, per se, but I’m not sure it matters. Perhaps I should just get my name out there. Maybe it could be the Gorbould.com Flagrant Foul, or just “this flagrant foul brought to you by Paul Gorbould,” and put my headshot up on the pixelboard and let people puzzle it a while.

I could even have a mnemonic… maybe blow a raspberry or something.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, folks. There are so many more unsponsored parts of the game, so many missed opportunities. We could have the Swiffer Sweat Mopping, the Dofasco Steal of the Game, Lego Brick of the Game, the Nestea Plunge (whenever someone flops), the Nerf Air Ball of the Game, Lava Life Nightly Rejection…

The pharmaceutical industry has cash to throw around - where’s the Metamucil Block of the Night, the Beano Offensive Foul, the Viagra Drive to the Hoop?

And I’m absolutely shocked that there aren’t already brands attached to announcer Chuck Swirsky’s “break out the salami and cheese” proclamation when the game is in the bag.

“Break out the Schneiders and Cracker Barrel, momma, this game’s over”? I’ll give you that one for free.

Posted by: Paul Gorbould | 02-01-2007 | 05:02 PM
Posted in: Sports