An Open Invitation to Vince Carter

Dear Mr. Carter,

On behalf of the City of Toronto, I’d like to welcome you back to our fair city for Game Five of the NBA playoffs. I know many of our residents have been eagerly anticipating your return - many have even prepared placards and chants just for you!

However, I know the playoffs can be hard work. You may even be tempted to quit half way through, or ask if you can leave town early.

Should this be the case, we’ve prepared an alternative entertainment package for you for Tuesday, May 1. Each stop on the itinerary has been carefully selected to meet your interests, as determined by your previous sojourns in Toronto.

To avoid disappointment, please let us know which event you plan to attend. We’ve included a self addressed, stamped envelope, as we are aware of your preference for “mailing it in.”

Itinerary for Vincent Lamar Carter, May 1st 2007

1) 10:00 a.m.:
Complementary MRI and X-Ray
Mt. Sinai Hospital

You will no doubt recall the excellent medical facilities Toronto has to offer. I’m delighted to tell you that staff of Mount Sinai have cleared a spot on their busy schedule for a complete left knee exam at no charge to you.

We ask only that you please cash in your unused, “Have 10 MRIs, Get 1 Free” card.

Also included is a meeting with Dr. James Andrews of Birmingham, Ala., for old times’ sake.

2) 3:00 p.m.
Honorary Degree Ceremony
Humber College, Toronto

We know how you like degrees, especially on playoff days.

You are therefore cordially invited to accept a Diploma in On-Screen Acting at one of north Toronto’s most prestigious polytechnic institutes.

Convocation ceremonies will take place at 3:00 sharp. Since this facility is some distance from downtown Toronto, you will be flown there and back by private jet, returning a few hours prior to tip-off time at the Air Canada Centre.

3) 5:30-6:30 p.m.
Raptors GM For A Day!
Air Canada Centre

Have you always dreamed of being a real NBA General Manager? Sure you have. That’s why we’ve arranged for a special one-hour online session where you can control the Raptors organization - for real, this time!

Among your options: Hire Dr. J to run the front office! Hire Nav Bhatia to do publicity! Milt Palacio can be our new point guard! Fire Butch Carter as many times as you like! It’s all up to you.

Note: Requires knowledge of Microsoft Access. A laptop has been generously provided by your teammate Marcus Williams.

4) 7:00 p.m.
Candlelight Dinner

We were truly sorry to hear that you and your wife Ellen are having marital difficulties - particularly since it was reported that it was she who encouraged you to ask for a trade out of Toronto. Funny how that worked out, huh?

But do not worry! As you have mentioned, Toronto is an “up-and-coming city” and now has more than a dozen restaurants open to the public!

We know you don’t like to rebound, but a night on the town is just the thing to cure a broken heart. In light of this, we have reserved a table for two at the romantic 360 Restaurant for you and a date.

You’ll be sharing a candlelight meal with none other than Joumana Kidd, who you may know via your teammate Jason Kidd. Coincidentally, Joumana will also be available soon too!

Ms. Kidd is looking for a less aggressive man, so we think you’ll get along famously.

Also present for dinner will be your mother. A parking space has been set aside for her.

5) 9:00 p.m. - 1:00 a.m.
Concert Performance and Midnight Snack
Various Locations

We’ve arranged for a special concert by hip-hop artist Nelly! Once again, you’ll be invited to dance onstage while your teammates are on the court. Following the concert, you and your entourage will be treated to free donuts at Canada’s own Tim Horton’s Restaurants. (Dunkin’ Donuts is overrated.) Take it to the hole!

We hope this entertainment package meets your approval. However, if you instead decide to show up at the ACC (unlike in Games One and Two) please be advised of the following:

- Toronto has run out of Vinsanity. We do still carry Vinsenility.

- At the ACC, you may hear chants of “VC Sucks”. Most people in the Commonwealth know the “VC” as the Victoria Cross, a medal awarded for valour, bravery, leadership and selflessness under fire. Please avoid confusing the two.

Posted by: Paul Gorbould | 04-30-2007 | 04:04 PM
Posted in: Sports