gor[b] Paul Gorbould: Words and Pictures

Blinded by the light

Last week I warned you that stuff was falling from the skies all over town and that, proof positive that gravity is increasing, it’s time to invest in hard hats.

But would the people who make Toronto tick listen? Noooooo. Instead, they are proceeding to put even more stuff up in the sky, foolishly hoping it’ll stay there.

At lunchtime yesterday, I looked up (bravely) to see several platforms dangling from the top of the World’s Dangliest Dang-doodle – the CN tower.

These appear to be platforms for fixing the tower, or maybe scrubbing off the bird poop, lightning scorches, or graffiti (double dog dare you, Poster Child!)

You couldn’t pay me enough to go up there, though I bet if they could reel ‘em out quickly it’d make a ride that would put the Demon Drop to shame. Anyhow, while I was eating lunch I read that there are big plans for the venerable Pointy Thing – they’re going to light it up like a Christmas tree.

"Like the Shanghai Tower, Empire State Building and London Eye, the CN Tower will also be ablaze at night with light and colour.

"Toronto's internationally known landmark and the world's tallest freestanding tower is to be outfitted with 1,330 brilliant LED lights that will shoot up the elevator shaft, over the "bubble" and straight to the mast."

And you thought the tower’s phallic imagery was in your head.

I guess there’s no harm in adding a little Vegas-on-Front-Street, and officials are quick to point out that the LEDs are more efficient than the washing-machine sized lights they used when the lit it up 10 years ago. Plus, they promise to turn them off during bird migratory season, so nothing gets impaled on the huge pulsing shaft (oh, man…)

Still, does our city really suffer from a lack of light pollution? We’ve got 16,000 streetlights (which are being replaced.) Our skyscrapers blaze through the night, the Air Canada Centre paints the sky with its giant klieg lights, as do those portable kliegs used every time there’s a high school prom or a Winner’s opening. Never mind Symphony of Fire, police helicopters and the Blade Runner monstrosity at Dundas Square.

Once upon a time, I saw a supposedly-funny postcard, all black with the subtitle “Toronto at night.” It was way off the mark then, but now it’s just ridiculous.

It’s been said before that the Toronto skyline has already been turned into a giant screen saver, obliterating the stars and frightening dogs for miles around. I’m not sure that turning the CN Tower into the World’s Largest Thermometer is going to help (though maybe the United Way can put it to use in their next campaign.)

The Star article says the whole thing is going to be controlled by a desktop computer. I really, really hope that guy who hijacked the Go Train pixelboards to make them say "Stephen Harper eats babies" gets his hands on it.

I can look directly up at the tip of the CN Tower from my desk across the road at the Canadian Broadcasting Centre (fun during a lightning storm, unsettling on September 11.) But it’s getting harder to see – the CBC windows are filthy. And now, in another lesson of things going up and falling down, we know why.

Here’s part of a message e-mailed to staff yesterday:

Replacement of Roof Anchors

In recent months, we've had regular requests to wash the outside windows of the Broadcasting Centre. We have been unable to do so because the original roof anchors on this building no longer meet approved safety standards, making it legally impossible for window washers to operate here.

After several unexpected delays (including the first strike in 20 years by the union of roof anchor installers), we can now begin the process of removing the existing anchors and installing more than 270 new, government-approved replacements over the next three months. Our goal is to be able to wash the outside of the building in September.

First, did you know there was a union of roof anchor installers, or that they went on strike?

Second, I’ve seen the guys who dangle from the 10th-floor roof to wash our windows, and they are like fearless squeegee gods. Even though the construction site next door has coated the TBC in grime, I can’t begrudge them something safe to tie on to.

And third, I’ve told my wife it’s my goal to wash our home windows by September too.