Ba dum bum
Yep, another potty post - note my use of the appropriate icon.
The men's washroom nearest my desk at the CBC HQ in Toronto is usually free of graffiti.
When there is some, it's usually marginally witty or timely.
Which is why I was so surprised to see this bit of poorly written, unintelligent scrawl in the stall:
"Do you like having ONE NIGHT STAND...?"
What the hell is that supposed to mean, and if it's not rhetorical, how am I supposed to respond?
Well, I'll tell you how I'd respond, if I were the graffiti writing type. In fact, I gave a lot of consideration to actually writing underneath it, but decided to do it here, virtually, instead (god, I'm such a goody goody.)
"YES. WITH TWO NIGHTSTANDS, I KEEP FORGETTING WHERE I PUT MY BOOK."
OK, not that funny. But at least you don't have to scrub it off - you can just click that little "close window" X... which I see you are doing now....
Money can’t buy you spelling
So, my boss was in New York City last week to give a talk at a conference. His daughter is a Donald Trump fan, so he went into Trump Tower looking for souvenirs. Once she was taken care of, he skipped past the expensive clothes (and $100 steaks?) and found the least costly item available - this funny little souvenir fridge magnet, which he presented to me with the requisite implication that I should pack up my desk drawer:
"You're Fired!" You know, Trump's catchphrase from The Apprentice.
But look again. It doesn't say "You're Fired." It says, "Your Fired." Y-O-U-R... the possessive form of "you", not the contraction of "you are."
Am I missing something?
Is there an Apprentice inside joke about misspelling The Donald's famous catchphrase?
Perhaps it's deliberately misspelled, to protect his effort to trademark the properly-spelled slogan?
Perhaps it's the start of a different sentence, such as: "Your fired clay pot is ready, Mr. Trump"?
At first I wondered if it was some cheap NYC street vendor knockoff... but nope, check out the bag, left. The real deal.
I wonder if The Donald owns a 1970 Chevelle?
How your cursor works
Ever wondered how your computer cursor works? Here's a website that shows you what really happens as you move your mouse.
"With the aid of a screen magnifying lens, the mechanism becomes apparent," the instructions say.
It's quite slow to load, but when the image appears, slowly move your mouse over the light gray circle and you will see how the magic works. Don't forget to click, too. You can also double-click - and make sure your sound is on. Enjoy!
Paris does prison
Paris Hilton's friends predict prison will do wonders for the airhead heiress. I agree. Some of my Facebook friends are wondering what she'll wear... here's my best guess. Good luck, girl.
I am now afraid of the moon
Over the past few months, I've finally got on the Battlestar Galactica train. I watched the original series when I was a kid, and even owned those Viper and Cylon Raider toys with Super Child-Choking Plastic Bulletsâ„¢. I was excited to hear about the new series, but I didn't get the Space Network so I sort of let it slide. Finally, a friend gave me seasons 1 & 2 on DVD, swearing up and down that I'd love it, and he was right. Fantastic show, as everyone knows.
But I didn't realize its influence until yesterday, when I read this post on Collision Detection. Someone at NASA apparently likes Battlestar Galactica so much that they're styling the next moon mission after it.
Check out this animated video pimping NASA's project to return to the moon:
[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q2fhVnTuxv4[/video]
Doesn't that look (and sound) just a little like the BSG opening? At first I thought this was a clever joke, posted on YouTube by someone who had recut the animation to look like BSG. But no, it's right there on NASA's site, on a page called A Vision for Space Exploration. You can find it on the right, under "Return to the Moon: The Journey Begins Now".
As a reference, here's the opening to Battlestar Galactica's second season:
[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fKAk96xkl4[/video]
Look familiar?
The similarity is particularly noticeable when the music changes to the drumming bit at the end. And at around 1:00 into the NASA video, there's a fake camera movement exactly like they use on BSG. Clive Thompson hits the nail on the head with his assessment of the similarities:
Actually, what really cracked me up was how strangely threatening the video seemed. There's all this creepy, minor-key horror-movie music, combined with bleed-in text that ominously proclaims: "We took a giant leap ... we stopped ... we're going back." Then there's a shot of a lunar vessel approaching and impassively snapping pix through its single HAL-like eye. Then boom! It's all action, with a bunch of rovers thundering across the lunar surface like beetles while launch-ships swirl overhead, all set to unsettlingly thumpy action music. It feels precisely like the trailer to the upcoming Transformers movie ... except in this case the invading, marauding aliens are us. Why, yes, we humans are returning to the moon -- because we're gonna dismantle it and SLAUGHTER ANYTHING IN OUR PATH.
"And they have a plan." Perhaps we now know where the 13th Colony is going?
Fixing the ‘Internet Elbow’
(Or, "Why are there holes in the left elbows of my shirts, and how can I stop wearing them out?")
The crazy thing about blogging is that once in a while, you write about something petty and obscure, and end up becoming the worldwide expert on the subject.
I guess it makes sense. Though I often fail miserably, I do try to write about things that haven't already been discussed to death. Which means that whatever I write, however weak, fills a void of some sort. It attracts traffic and comments, further boosting its profile. That's why I've somehow become the #1 internet resources for raccoon-proofing your green bin, or finding out if the word "chairman" is sexist, or if it's OK for able-bodied people to use the disabled washrooms. (Go ahead, search Google for those things - I'll be right at the top.)
I'm also, apparently, the go-to guy for a wardrobe malfunction I'm calling "Internet Elbow."
Last November, I posted a short item called More worn-out-elbows, where I described an inexplicably phenomenon: slowly but surely, the left elbows of all my shirts are developing small holes.
I figured I was just a freak (still possible.) But then a dozen people from around the world commented or e-mailed me, saying they too have the same problem.
Most worked on computers all day long, and sat at an L-shaped or bean-shaped desk. Some blamed their chairs. Some blamed their dry cleaners. All were baffled.
In an effort to solve my problem, along with some other miscellaneous aches and pains, I put in a call to the official CBC ergonomist. Though he hadn't encountered my specific elbow-hole issue before, he had some pretty good guesses. And last week, he dropped by and conducted a proper analysis of my workstation.
After a good deal of measuring, observing and interrogating, he had some sage advice. I'm posting what he told me here in case it helps someone, somewhere. My introduction notwithstanding, the following is by no means expert advice and is no substitute for getting info from someone who knows what the hell they are talking about. Come to think of it, that goes for blogs, and the internet, and life in general.
------------
In the opinion of the ergonomist, my elbow situation is very likely related to the way I sit and use the computer.
In his experience, most problems arise with people who are either shorter or taller than average. I'm 6'2", which is around the height where typical workstation configurations don't quite cut it. And my computer is set up in the corner of an L-shaped desk, which is sometimes problematic.
Here's a photo of the configuration. The numbered areas, and how they relate to ergonomics, are explained below.
1. Good old fashioned CRT monitor. It's too big to comfortably place anywhere but the corner (as I and almost all of my colleagues do.) Nesting it in the corner is an efficient use of space, but leads to leaning forward and resting elbows on the desk instead of the chair.
Since these monitors aren't height-adjustable, you can see that my monitor is elevated by a phone book - and the ergonomist says this is actually pretty good. You want to have your eyes even with the top edge of the monitor, and if it's not exactly right, a slightly lower elevation (like mine) isn't bad.
2. My keyboard and mouse are way too far back in the corner, resulting in my elbows leaning on the hard desk, not the cushioned armrests of the chair. Ideally, you want to have the keyboard at the edge of your desk, or on a keyboard tray. The trays aren't that popular around my workplace - they are harder to install in a corner, are often wobbly, and the older ones don't have a place for a mouse.
I could pull the keyboard forward to the edge, but then I'd be far from the monitor. If all my cables were longer, I suppose I could pull the whole rig out to the corner, leaving a big space behind it. But it doesn't really fix the problem, which is...
3. Corner configurations just aren't ideal. You end up reaching forward for the keyboard/mouse, which not only creates posture problems, but causes you to put more weight on your elbows. In my case, the left elbow is on the desk while the right is usually elevated for mousing. The configuration means you can't help but rest some of your wrist or arm on the desk, because it juts out at an angle.
The armrests of your chair should be at about desk level, but this means you can't tuck them underneath the desk. In a corner configuration, that means you might not be able to slide in close enough to comfortably reach the keyboard. Again, that results in leaning forward and propping yourself up.
4. My desk chair was state of the art in 1997, and I've been guarding it fiercely since then. But it may be time to put it out to pasture. The main issue is the arm rests, which are not adjustable. You want them even with the desktop. While it's typical for the elbow to rest on the armrest, you want the forearm horizontal. Mine angles upward slightly, the elbow is bent - the pressure is all on one point, not spread across a flat arm.
A new chair would also offer increased lumbar support and a seat that can be positioned forward or backward. Both would facilitate better posture and less leaning.
5. The wings of this L-shaped desk are barely wide enough to accomodate a CRT monitor anywhere but the corner. They'd be fine for a flat panel monitor, which the ergonomist recommends. The height of these desk sections is apparently adjustable, though I've never seen them set at anything but the standard height, which is geared toward a person of average stature.
6. I'm pretty sure this has nothing to do with holes in my elbows, but that's a Vince Carter bobblehead and a Sir John A. Macdonald action figure. Oh, and there's a Ring Wraith working on a foam computer on top of my monitor. Under the cowl: the decapitatated head of Homer Simpson.
So, what's the upshot? Well, according to the written report, it's nothing that a new desk, monitor and chair wouldn't fix....
Actually, it isn't that bad. Altering the desktop height is free, and I may be moving to a new area in the fall, where new workstations may be configurable to match the employee. My chair and monitor are at the end of their shelf life anyhow.
Of course, it'd be cheaper to just buy me a few new shirts, or force me to wear a hockey elbow pad or something. But to their credit, the CBC seems to take this sort of thing seriously. Having me comfortably chained to my desk for the next three decades is probably worth a few hundred bucks up front.
I hope this case study is of some little help to other people suffering from "internet elbow". The recommended changes don't guarantee hole-free shirts - unless the work changes, you'll still be leaning on one elbow for 8 hours a day. But at least you'll be doing it properly!
Bonus feature: Check out my workstation picture on my Flickr site, to see if you can spot hidden objects including two more action figures, two souvenir mugs, candy and tobacco products, and more!
UPDATE: My workstation has been changed to address most of these issues - check it out here.
Extreme buns
If it weren't for a last-minute find at the cafe at the Riverdale Farm, this would have been my first Easter without having a hot cross bun.
Everyone knows hot cross buns, right? Those soft, sweet, raisin-filled buns they trot out for Easter, with a "cross" that looks more like a "plus sign" welded onto the top with something that looks like icing but tastes like nothing at all?
I like these buns. Of course, I like raisin toast, and anything with flour or sugar in it, so it's no big surprise. My mom made or purchased the buns for us each year when I was a kid; as an adult I usually grab a bag or two of generic grocery store hot cross buns - hell, they go on sale around Valentine's Day (I presume they bake new batches as Easter approaches, but I should probably check the tags.)
In recent years, the kindly and old fashioned neighbour of my inlaws has sent a few home made buns our way, but now that my wife and I are raising two ravenous-yet-finicky beasts, perhaps she's given up. So it looked like this year would be bun-free.
I was shopping at a high-end supermarket on the Danforth on Saturday and couldn't find any, but then noticed a pack of six Ace Bakery hot cross buns that looked really delicious. Then I noticed the price: $6.99! And the buns were the size of a silver dollar. At that price, I presumed they were made with actually pieces of Christ's cross, but I still left them on the shelf. What ever happened to "one a penny, two a penny?"
I'm not the only one who had bun trouble this year.
My sister, who has a new job, went shopping at the predominantly Jewish supermarket near her workplace. Slinking along amongst the Passover food shoppers, she was too embarassed to ask if they had gentile pastries.
My mother finally found somewhere that sold them, and when she asked for them at the bakery counter, she was presented with the flabbergasting, heretical question, "With or without chocolate chips?" Is nothing sacred?
Actually, it's their very sacredness that makes me surprised you can even offer non-secular baked goods in this day and age. The cross has been removed from most public places, so why are we still able to mark our buns with them?
(In some places, you can't. Today I found that in recent years, hot cross buns have been banned in some schools in England, and are not served at schools in York for - not banned, just removed for "no particular reason.")
To keep them on the market, I wouldn't be shocked to see their name changed to something more neutral, like "Hot Spring Buns." Or maybe that "cross" could be formally changed to another character, like "Hot Plus Buns", or "Hot X Buns".
Of course, they'd be more marketable as "Xtreme Buns". Which would make a good workout video title, too.
Show no Mercer
I mentioned in a previous post that I had sent some of my juvenile photoshopping efforts to the Rick Mercer Photo Challenge, but none had been deemed good enough.
I don't disagree with the judges - I'm not terribly proud of these ones. They don't seem realistic enough, and worse, there's no clever theme to them. Still, someone asked to see them, so here they are.
Kenney Time photo challenge
Original:
My version (Title: "Pie Hole")
Stéphane Dion/Garth Turner photo challenge
Original:
My take:
Original:
My take (I seem to have a food thing, no?):
There was another one of Chrétien as a Toronto Argonauts running back, but I've lost it. Probably just as well.
Freezing them off
Right now it's -15 degrees Celsius in downtown Toronto (-24, if you believe in windchill.)
Toronto's weather is pretty nice, generally speaking, but you have to be prepared for summer peaks of +35C and winter lows of -30C. Closet space comes at a premium.
Anyhow, last week a colleague of mine (who gives me all my blog ideas, lately - thanks!) found a way to profit from the cold.
She took a trip to Washington D.C., and stayed in a hotel that charges you by temperature.
The Georgetown Suites Hotel has a special rate called, "Baby, it's cold outside!":
Check out Georgetown Suites' Cool Deal: Stay the first night at the regular package rate, and the second's night rate is the temperature outside at check-in! First-night rates start at $185. Promotion valid November 17, 2006 to February 28, 2007, subject to availability.
Washington's an expensive town. So her first night's fee was a touch over $200 (which is apparently typical). But on the second night, it was 21 degrees F outside, and she payed $21.
I was quick to remind her that if the hotel was in here in Toronto, with Celsius temperatures, the hotel would actually have to pay her $15 to stay another night (though that'd be Canadian dollars.)
And she pointed out that after a day of walking around D.C. in the cold, she would have been happier to fork over another $20 and have it pleasant outside. Unfortunately no such reverse deal is possible: the weather won't get better depending on how much you can pay.
Still, at least it isn't -45F, as it was in Fairbanks, Alaska last month. Be sure to check out the YouTube videos of what happens when you throw boiling water at such temperatures. Instant snow!
My skull is burning
I'm scared of Ghost Rider.
Mainly, I'm scared he'll suck.
I was a reader of the original Marvel Ghost Rider comics back in the Johnny Blaze days (1973-83). By the time the spirit of vengeance took over Daniel Ketch (1990-1998) I was a collector. I'm sure there are plenty of purists who argue (as with anything) that the original was vastly superior, but I quite enjoyed the new incarnation and Javier Saltares' dark artwork.
Both comics were pretty cool. GR was a definite anti-hero, of the model that became so popular throughout the rise of the graphic novel (a kind friend has recently loaned me the original Dark Knight Returns and Watchmen graphic novels, and they're blowing my mind. By trying to answer how any sane person in this day and age could dress up in tights and beat up suspected fellons, they really drain the "hero" out of "superhero.")
And make no mistake, GR was scary. Aside from all the death and hell imagery, both swung chains and could project flame that burns the soul. The Ketch version added a a Penance Stare "which made the target experience all the pain and suffering they've caused others." Sounds corny, but it's an interesting metaphysical twist.
So, this week the Ghost Rider movie comes out, starring Nicolas Cage. And I'm terrified that it'll ruin everything for me.
Nothing against Cage - the man can certainly act. I'd love it if he brought a little bit of psychotic darkness to the film. But I'm afraid we're in for more Con Air than Wild at Heart.
Maybe it'll work out. I collected X-Men, and those movies weren't so bad. But the only other series I collected with as much fevour as Ghost Rider was... Judge Dredd.
I collected Dredd from the first time I spotted him in the pages of 2000AD when I was a young boy visiting English relatives. I had all the Eagle Comics issues, some of the brief D.C. Comics run,and plenty of the British newsprint weeklies from IPC.
The comic book Dredd too was a perfect anti-hero, a futuristic policeman who routinely goes much too far in the name of the law. Like the Dark Knight and The Watchmen's Rorshach and The Comedian, it's never clear if Dredd is a necessarily brutal response to rampant future crime, an uncomfortable slip into fascism, or a parody of fascism.
(I recently rediscovered a series I briefly collected in the late 1980s that took this parodic fascism to the extreme: a Marvel/Epic character named Marshall Law. A university friend made the mistake of dressing up as him for Halloween once; nobody knew the character and thought he looked like The Gimp from Pulp Fiction. He had an interesting night.)
Like Ghost Rider, Judge Dredd also had a big-ass motorcycle, chains and leather. Worked like gangbusters in the funny papers. Stank like manure on the silver screen.
The 1995 movie adaptation of Judge Dredd - with Sly Stallone cast solely because he had the proper chin - was a total, unadulterated flop, artistically, critically and financially. It was so awful that it not only ruined my comic book collection for me, but probably forever devalued them to the level of Weimar Republic marks, Bre-X shares and last year's TTC tokens.
Rotten Tomatoes gave the Dredd movie a mere 18 per cent rating. Said Susan Wloszczyna of USA Today:
Never has such a big, dumb movie seemed so small, as it shrinks from Blade Runner sharp to Jetsonian junky.
Filmcritic.com's Christopher Nell summed it up more succinctly:
In the future, the world sucks.
I sincerely hope Feb. 16th's GR debut doesn't suck that badly.
It may be mouldering in my parent's attic, but I'd prefer not to have the other half of my comic book collection self-destruct.
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