gor[b] Paul Gorbould: Words and Pictures

Congratulations, Roy

After a mostly disappointing Blue Jays season, I was delighted to see Roy Halladay get his 20th win of the season yesterday (a complete game, no less.)

I was at the Rogers Centre last week for Halladay's 19th win, a 6-3 victory over Boston. And I brought along my new camera, mostly to see how it worked with my old telephoto lens. I wish the lens had image stabilization, but I'm not unhappy with the results:

(More images on my Flickr set.) Sadly I don't think that even Roy's 20 wins, nine complete games and 2.78 ERA are going to earn him a Cy Young, even though he deserves it. Pretty tough to beat out Cliff Lee this year.

(I was going to mention that that both "Roy Halladay" and "Cliff Lee" are great tough-guy names, worthy of the Wild West. Until you learn that their fully names are Harry Leroy Halladay III and Clifton Phifer Lee, which sound more like  aristocratic fops.)

Notes from the nosebleeds

I was fortunate enough to scrounge up a single ticket for last night's Raptors playoff victory over the Orlando Magic (see my comments from last year's playoffs here and here).

Here are 10 observations:

1. Only a the playoffs do I get to enjoy high-fiving a stranger.
2. People sing better when they wear the same shirt.
3. "Fuck you Turkoglu" is a pretty funny chant.
4. Those blonde chicks seem awfully surly for sweat moppers.
5. Watching Jason Kapono on defence is like watching my mom try to breakdance.
6. My new fave mascot iteration: Flasher Raptor!
7. Stan Van Gundy: 3 coronary events an hour for the past 10 years.
8. Message to Dance Pak: Two dances per game isn't a job.
9. Facecloths make ineffective noisemakers.
10. Apparently there's an NBA player called Gortat. Who knew?

Also at the game was my colleague and sometime sportswriter Paul Jay, who contributed five more notes from the gondola:

1. Those parachuted basketballs. Worst promotion ever: two were flung onto the court - using the chute as a sling-shot - once during the game. Threat of arrest soon followed.
2. Superman's reaction to red (kryptonite)? Makes him crazy. Nice work on those free throws, Dwight.
3. Jason Kapono's trade value two weeks ago versus today. Discuss.
4. Toronto has a unique ability to play intense defence. Y'know, once in a while.
5. All timeout entertainment should be banned during the playoffs. Especially anything involving children, contests or attempts at hilarity.

Screw the west

As the 2008 NBA All-Star game draws near, I'm doing what I can to improve the fortunes of our Eastern Conference. Unfortunately that doesn't mean voting for all five of the Raptors nominated. With the exception of perennially worthy Chris Bosh (check out his hilarious sales pitch!) I just don't see the other four worth a nod - Bargnani hasn't played well, Ford is hurt (badly, I get the feeling), and Kapono and Parker should be there for the 3 point contest only.

The Eastern Conference is already on the rise, with Boston dominating, Detroit powerful as always and Orlando moving on up. So here's my voting strategy: Screw the Western Conference!

Sure, any chump could cast their ballots for jokers like Kobe, Yao, Duncan and Melo - hell, you don't have to follow hoops to know those guys. No, I say the best thing to do is to cast a LOT of votes for the people least likely to beat the Eastern Conference players. Basically, their Fords and Kaponos.

How about Argentinian rookie sensation Luis Scola and his 7.4 points a game? Or one-name-wonder Nene, who has missed all but eight games so far this year? Erick Dampier looks good, earning barely 20 minutes a night. At guard, I went with cueball Jarrett Jack and mediocre Monta Ellis, who you wouldn't have heard of unless you play fantasy basketball and are looking for injury fill-ins. I could've pushed for the injured Randy Foye and Mike Bibby, but they might actually get better, and if they don't they no doubt replace them with someone useful.

Unfortunately, no matter how many times I vote, I can't take away votes from guys like Kobe and Yao. To surpass them, I need approximately 1 million of you to vote for Scola and Nene. So get voting, and teach the west a lesson!

An Open Invitation to Vince Carter

Dear Mr. Carter,

On behalf of the City of Toronto, I'd like to welcome you back to our fair city for Game Five of the NBA playoffs. I know many of our residents have been eagerly anticipating your return - many have even prepared placards and chants just for you!

However, I know the playoffs can be hard work. You may even be tempted to quit half way through, or ask if you can leave town early.

Should this be the case, we've prepared an alternative entertainment package for you for Tuesday, May 1. Each stop on the itinerary has been carefully selected to meet your interests, as determined by your previous sojourns in Toronto.

To avoid disappointment, please let us know which event you plan to attend. We've included a self addressed, stamped envelope, as we are aware of your preference for "mailing it in."

Itinerary for Vincent Lamar Carter, May 1st 2007

1) 10:00 a.m.:
Complementary MRI and X-Ray
Mt. Sinai Hospital

You will no doubt recall the excellent medical facilities Toronto has to offer. I'm delighted to tell you that staff of Mount Sinai have cleared a spot on their busy schedule for a complete left knee exam at no charge to you.

We ask only that you please cash in your unused, "Have 10 MRIs, Get 1 Free" card.

Also included is a meeting with Dr. James Andrews of Birmingham, Ala., for old times' sake.

2) 3:00 p.m.
Honorary Degree Ceremony
Humber College, Toronto

We know how you like degrees, especially on playoff days.

You are therefore cordially invited to accept a Diploma in On-Screen Acting at one of north Toronto's most prestigious polytechnic institutes.

Convocation ceremonies will take place at 3:00 sharp. Since this facility is some distance from downtown Toronto, you will be flown there and back by private jet, returning a few hours prior to tip-off time at the Air Canada Centre.

3) 5:30-6:30 p.m.
Raptors GM For A Day!
Air Canada Centre

Have you always dreamed of being a real NBA General Manager? Sure you have. That's why we've arranged for a special one-hour online session where you can control the Raptors organization - for real, this time!

Among your options: Hire Dr. J to run the front office! Hire Nav Bhatia to do publicity! Milt Palacio can be our new point guard! Fire Butch Carter as many times as you like! It's all up to you.

Note: Requires knowledge of Microsoft Access. A laptop has been generously provided by your teammate Marcus Williams.

4) 7:00 p.m.
Candlelight Dinner

We were truly sorry to hear that you and your wife Ellen are having marital difficulties - particularly since it was reported that it was she who encouraged you to ask for a trade out of Toronto. Funny how that worked out, huh?

But do not worry! As you have mentioned, Toronto is an "up-and-coming city" and now has more than a dozen restaurants open to the public!

We know you don't like to rebound, but a night on the town is just the thing to cure a broken heart. In light of this, we have reserved a table for two at the romantic 360 Restaurant for you and a date.

You'll be sharing a candlelight meal with none other than Joumana Kidd, who you may know via your teammate Jason Kidd. Coincidentally, Joumana will also be available soon too!

Ms. Kidd is looking for a less aggressive man, so we think you'll get along famously.

Also present for dinner will be your mother. A parking space has been set aside for her.

5) 9:00 p.m. - 1:00 a.m.
Concert Performance and Midnight Snack
Various Locations

We've arranged for a special concert by hip-hop artist Nelly! Once again, you'll be invited to dance onstage while your teammates are on the court. Following the concert, you and your entourage will be treated to free donuts at Canada's own Tim Horton's Restaurants. (Dunkin' Donuts is overrated.) Take it to the hole!

We hope this entertainment package meets your approval. However, if you instead decide to show up at the ACC (unlike in Games One and Two) please be advised of the following:

- Toronto has run out of Vinsanity. We do still carry Vinsenility.

- At the ACC, you may hear chants of "VC Sucks". Most people in the Commonwealth know the "VC" as the Victoria Cross, a medal awarded for valour, bravery, leadership and selflessness under fire. Please avoid confusing the two.

I’ve been Chucked!

New Jersey residents should be embarrassed. (In specific, not just in general.)

It's Friday at 5:00 p.m., and Ticketmaster still has pairs of tickets for tonight's NBA playoff game between the Toronto Raptors and the New Jersey Nets. The game is less than two hours away, but you can walk right up and buy tickets for $76. Ridiculous. You don't deserve a playoff team, and soon you won't have a team at all.

Contrast that to Toronto: There are no pairs of tickets left for the next game here, and there are only a smattering of single seats - $281 for Side Prime, and one courtside seat for $800. You might be able to buy them on eBay, where prices start around $150, or $400 for the lower bowl.

Of course, everybody knows you can't buy any Leafs ticket without selling your firstborn to the mob. Even soccer is selling like hotcakes: they haven't even played a home game yet, but all 14,000 season ticket packages for Toronto FC (0-3 so far) are already sold out!

Shame on you, Nets fans.

And a very un-Canadian gesture goes out to Richard Jefferson, who cracked a joke about Toronto fans supporting the Nets: in Game One, all 20,000 of us wore red shirts to support the Raptors, but the Nets decided to wear their alternate red jerseys.

Which leads to my suggestion for a Nets promotion, which I e-mailed to Raptors play-by-play man Chuck Swirsky. Chuck printed it in his Chuck Checks In blog today, as the first item in the Mailbag:

To the Mailbag!

Emailer Paul, Toronto: Hey Chuck, I've got a suggestion for Richard Jefferson and all those who doubted the red-clad fans that rocked the ACC over the past two games: Perhaps the Meadowlands can have a similar promotion... all the fans can dress up as empty seats!

(PG: Hat tip to Casper, who came up with this joke when we were at Game #2.)

Flagrante delicto

Got a great little advertising idea yesterday when I was at a Raptors game.

Just about everything in basketball - like most sports - has some sort of sponsorship tie-in.

It's never more obvious than when you enter the Air Canada Centre - walking past the Smirnoff Icebox and the MGD Best Seats in the House to the Sprite Zone (worst seats in the house.)

When the Raptors sink a three-point shot, the scoreboard tells you that it's brought to you by McDonald's, and you hear the "ba duh ba ba ba" audio sting (in radio we call these mnemonics.) Then there's the Axe Raptors Dance Pak gyrating, promotions like the AMJ Campbell Move of the Game, the Casino Rama Halftime Show (really bad this year) and video features like the Playstation Big Plays of the Week (last night, I noticed the lamest one of these ever - the MedCan Clinic Inactive Players list!)

It's much worse on television. Depending on the network, you'll be treated to the IBM Winning Strategies, the T-Mobile Halftime Report, Direct Energy Looking Forward, Nestle Crunch Time, Got Milk Rookie Report, somebody-or-other's Keys to the Game, somebody-else's Connection of the Game, etc.

I don't know how much the sponsors fork over for these opportunities, but it must add up. Great opportunity, though - unlike a commercial, which you can tune out, in these cases your product name gets dropped during the action itself, whenever something noteworthy happens and people are paying attention.

So I'm thinking, "How can I get in on this action?" What would I sponsor, and what can I afford?

It couldn't be anything as frequent as a three-pointer. The Raptors are averaging six of those per game, so anything over a buck a pop would be out of my league.

Then it came to me: the flagrant foul!

A flagrant foul is defined as follows:

To be unsportsmanlike is to act in a manner unbecoming to the image of professional basketball. It consists of acts of deceit, disrespect of officials and profanity. The penalty for such action is a technical foul. Repeated acts shall result in expulsion from the game and a minimum fine of $1000.

A flagrant foul-penalty (1) is unnecessary contact committed by a player against an opponent.

A flagrant foul-penalty (2) is unnecessary and excessive contact committed by a player against an opponent. It is an unsportsmanlike act and the offender is ejected immediately.

Two levels, you see – a tech for being rude, and an ejection for being dangerous.

But both are testaments to aggression and poor sportsmanship, and that's TV gold. They always get the crowd going, and they always make the highlight reel. I'd like to sponsor both levels.

I suppose sponsoring technical or flagrant fouls might give the perception that I was encouraging poor sportsmanship, but that's not the case. I couldn't afford to! Each flagrant would cost me money - sort of like a fine - so I'm sure people would know I'm against them.

Best of all, they happen relatively rarely.

Flagrants, the Cadillac of fouls, happen once in a blue moon and cause quite a stir (e.g. the possibly-ordered-by-Isiah hit by Mardy Collins on J.R. Smith, causing this year's Knicks-Nuggets rumble and many, many suspensions.)

And techs? Even crazy eyes Rasheed Wallace only got 17 technical fouls last year. And that led jokesters to suggest the NBA name a new foul after him, and even his own rock 'em sock 'em DVD.

My Raptors don't have any 'Sheeds on their bench. They've earned just six technical fouls this year, and not one flagrant. They don't have a single player in the top 25 NBA foul leaders.

So the Raps are on pace for a dozen techs this season, and that's a pace I could afford. Over the year, sponsoring the flagrant foul would probably only set me back the cost of a lower bowl ticket.

And the standard for unsportsmanlike conduct is very high for the Raptors. Chris Bosh got a tech for looking at his bench!

And remember last year when Morris Peterson got ejected for goofing around with Vince Carter?

It's like the refs are already stretching to squeeze in advertising opportunities for me.

Of course, I don't really have a product to advertise, per se, but I'm not sure it matters. Perhaps I should just get my name out there. Maybe it could be the Gorbould.com Flagrant Foul, or just "this flagrant foul brought to you by Paul Gorbould," and put my headshot up on the pixelboard and let people puzzle it a while.

I could even have a mnemonic... maybe blow a raspberry or something.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, folks. There are so many more unsponsored parts of the game, so many missed opportunities. We could have the Swiffer Sweat Mopping, the Dofasco Steal of the Game, Lego Brick of the Game, the Nestea Plunge (whenever someone flops), the Nerf Air Ball of the Game, Lava Life Nightly Rejection…

The pharmaceutical industry has cash to throw around - where's the Metamucil Block of the Night, the Beano Offensive Foul, the Viagra Drive to the Hoop?

And I'm absolutely shocked that there aren't already brands attached to announcer Chuck Swirsky's "break out the salami and cheese" proclamation when the game is in the bag.

"Break out the Schneiders and Cracker Barrel, momma, this game's over"? I'll give you that one for free.