I watch a lot of TV on mute these days - mostly when I’m trying not to wake the kids, sometimes when I just want some peace and quiet, and very rarely whilst enjoying a cold beverage at a public establishment. So I love the fact that new TVs all switch on closed captioning when they are muted, so I can follow along.
Except, of course, when the captioning seizes up, converts English into ASCII swearing (!@##$!#@$$!), scrolls too fast and nowhere near the person speaking, overlays the sports ticker or someone’s face, spells last names using phonics, or translates “you guys” as “you gays”. I can’t imagine what the hearing disabled have to put up with.
Fortunately, Joe Clark is doing something about it, and he’s here in livid colour. The brand new and admittedly garish CaptioningSucks.com is an attempt to get people talking about how bad TV captioning is, and to help develop a set of standards to make them better. It’s the offspring of Joe’s Open & Closed project, funded at least in part through micropatronage (see the hairless guy’s “indolence” badge way down there on my sidebar.)
Check out Joe’s Flickr site for some appalling examples of the myriad ways TV captioning can be made to suck. And then visit Open & Closed to see how it can be made better. @!#$!@#%%.
This has gone too far.
For a few weeks each summer, my CBC Toronto office is blessed with the sound of prepubescent girls screaming in rapture outside the Canadian Idol corral at the convention centre across the street. In addition to Kelly Clarkson brand tube tops and bristol board signs saying “Marry me Ben”, there’s usually a van, a tent, a PA system and a carnival barker trying to whip the girls into a lather. Until now, all that was across the street - a minor nuisance akin to the guy who plays (sic) bagpipes on Blue Jays days.
Yet now I see that signs for that wretched CTV show have crossed the No Man’s Land of Front Street, and are fluttering gaily right outside the CBC building, not 15′ from the front door. (Hat tip to Erich the Eagle-Eyed for noticing.)
Who the hell let that happen? Really, does nobody at CBC pay attention to advertising availabilities on our own front door? What’s next, Dr. Phil recycling bins for all CBC employees? Ghost Whisper screensavers?
Haven’t we complained enough about the CTV billboards across the road on John St.? Haven’t I created enough ridicule to make anyone care?
I think the only thing left for me to do is audition for Canadian Idol.
Hell, I could do it just by leaning out my office window.
See, it’s a new month, so I can take another poke at the CTV billboards across the street from the CBC HQ.
Credit for this one goes to Kevin, who noticed that the “silhoutte” ads for So You Think You Can Dance and Canadian Idol seem just a little too familiar.
Talk about “parroting”… Polly wants an iPod!
I told you those MP3 players would lead to unauthorized copying.
[I should point out that while these CTV billboards are my favourite target, I’ve crapped on CBC’s too. I think the ones on our own building are pitiful, and the illegal ones are shameful. But this set of CTV ones deserve what they get. They’re what’s known in the industry as “fuck you” ads, there strictly to rankle the competition. And they’re a waste. The panels are obscured behind tall buildings in the directions traffic comes from - you practically have to be inside the CBC building to see the whole array. And they’ve been stuck behind construction cranes for over a year now. It’s a poor use of marketing dollars. But at least they aren’t wasting tax dollars - they’re wasting shareholder dollars, which I’m told somehow makes it OK.]
My monthly jab at the obnoxious wall of CTV billboards outside the CBC offices. The currently advertised oeuvre includes Pirate Master, On The Lot, So You Think You Can Dance and Canadian Idol.
Dirty birdie! If only they had left up the ad for American Idol… then you could have said “Squawk! Pretty Paula!” But nobody would have believed you.
Over the past few months, I’ve finally got on the Battlestar Galactica train. I watched the original series when I was a kid, and even owned those Viper and Cylon Raider toys with Super Child-Choking Plastic Bullets™. I was excited to hear about the new series, but I didn’t get the Space Network so I sort of let it slide. Finally, a friend gave me seasons 1 & 2 on DVD, swearing up and down that I’d love it, and he was right. Fantastic show, as everyone knows.
But I didn’t realize its influence until yesterday, when I read this post on Collision Detection. Someone at NASA apparently likes Battlestar Galactica so much that they’re styling the next moon mission after it.
Check out this animated video pimping NASA’s project to return to the moon:
The newest NASA animation about the constellation program
Doesn’t that look (and sound) just a little like the BSG opening? At first I thought this was a clever joke, posted on YouTube by someone who had recut the animation to look like BSG. But no, it’s right there on NASA’s site, on a page called A Vision for Space Exploration. You can find it on the right, under “Return to the Moon: The Journey Begins Now“.
As a reference, here’s the opening to Battlestar Galactica’s second season:
Battlestar Galactica - Opening Credits (2nd season) - sybockvulcan
Second season opening credits for the 21st century SciFi Channel series “Battlestar Galactica”
00:41 - December 18, 2006
Look familiar?
The similarity is particularly noticeable when the music changes to the drumming bit at the end. And at around 1:00 into the NASA video, there’s a fake camera movement exactly like they use on BSG. Clive Thompson hits the nail on the head with his assessment of the similarities:
Actually, what really cracked me up was how strangely threatening the video seemed. There’s all this creepy, minor-key horror-movie music, combined with bleed-in text that ominously proclaims: “We took a giant leap … we stopped … we’re going back.” Then there’s a shot of a lunar vessel approaching and impassively snapping pix through its single HAL-like eye. Then boom! It’s all action, with a bunch of rovers thundering across the lunar surface like beetles while launch-ships swirl overhead, all set to unsettlingly thumpy action music. It feels precisely like the trailer to the upcoming Transformers movie … except in this case the invading, marauding aliens are us. Why, yes, we humans are returning to the moon — because we’re gonna dismantle it and SLAUGHTER ANYTHING IN OUR PATH.
“And they have a plan.” Perhaps we now know where the 13th Colony is going?
Ever watch Fridays Without Borders on Showcase?
I don’t, as a rule. But I’d be lying if I said that, whilst flipping channels between lawyer show reruns and budget home renovations, I don’t sit up and take notice of the beautiful naked people fondling each other on channel 39.
Fridays Without Borders is, in theory, Showcase’s lineup of “sexy” shows.
But if “sexy” is defined as “Arousing or tending to arouse sexual desire or interest,” then the word is a poor fit. These shows need a different word, one that means merely “containing much sex” - a word that is less “buy this issue of Cosmo!” and more “These chips may contain trans fats.”
I’m suggesting “sexful”.
You remember the debate among sticklers over “healthy” vs. “healthful”? The argument went that “healthy” means “in good health”, so a meal can’t very well be “healthy.” So they invented “healthful” to indicate “good for you.” (More sensible folk said that was nonsense.)
Anyhow, that’s the sort of nuance we need here. Fridays Without Borders shows are possessing sex, but probably not conducive to sex. At least not with anyone else.
The subject matter is theoretically sexy: bikini babes, porn, bondage, one night stands, etc. But it’s awfully clinical. It’s like nobody involved in the process had ever actually been aroused themselves, but were told to go out and film things that were listed under “sex” in the dictionary.
The shows? Well, there’s Porno Valley - interchangeable blonde porno stars reenforce your preexisting stereotypes. Sin Cities - A nerd named Grub finds the icky parts of the global village; bring sanitizer. Family Business - Seymore Butts should have stayed a Simpsons prank call. Kink - Hideous Nova Scotians have difficulty learning how to spank each other. Webdreams - After 10 episodes, we learn that running a sleazy website is almost as unintersting as running any other website.
This shouldn’t come as a surprise - most of these shows are reality TV. They are to lovemaking what Survivor is to camping and The Apprentice is to doing your taxes. Theoretically applicable, mildly intriguing, but in the end you’re glad you don’t have to hang around with those jerks.
Even if they’re sexful.
I’m not being a prude here, just let down that TV really doesn’t get the difference between lurid and erotic. And it makes me ask: when was the last truly sexy (not sexful) thing you saw on TV?
—————-
Notes:
- Now that I do a web search for that word, I see that it was used on Futurama by none other than Zapp Branigan - a cartoon prototype for the jerks I was talking about. If ever there was a proof of my sexy/sexful thesis, he’s it!
- I’ll say this for Fridays Without Borders, though - at least I now understand Ouimet’s reference to Emmanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle Pie. Eeep!
Thus far in my blogging career I’ve carefully avoided simply reposting videos and other internet curios upon which I’ve stumbled. Figure I’d leave that to the other 70 million bloggers out there.
But once in a while, it’s hard to resist - as was the case with this absolutely hilarious commercial from France’s Canal+. If you’ve seen March of the Penguins, you’ll adore this spoof of its French title, La Marche de l’empereur.
The march of the Penguins - viral - neychev
In France The March of the Penguins movie has been presented with the title “The March of the Emperor”. This is an amusing Tv spot to promote Canal +. Movies are made to be seen
Remember when those festivals of commercials from around the world were all the rage? Whatever happened to those? I seem to recall going to rep cinemas and paying actual money to see the best of the world… seems unlikely these days, somehow.
Anyhow, this one ranks right up there with my two other favourite foreign-language YouTube clips:
We Are Sinking (Berlitz’ hilarious “German Coast Guard” ad)
Introducing the Book (Norway’s NRK, subtitled in Danish and English)
(Video has since been removed by NRK. Update on this story here)
Any other favourites I should know about?
I love watching movies, but I have limited opportunities to do so.
The main culprit is having two kids with unpredictable bedtimes. If they don’t get to sleep until 10 p.m., it’ll be 11 or midnight before I can settle down to watch something.
I’m not about to go out to the video store at that time, particularly not to rent a move that has to be back in 24 hours. Often I’ll only have time to watch half the flick before bed, and watch the rest the next day. Not ideal, but still better than most TV fare.
Anyhow, on the suggestion of a colleague, I recently signed up for Zip.ca, a movie-by-mail service. (Actually it’s RogersVideoDirect.ca, which bought the service from Zip.)
The idea behind Zip is that you create a wish list of movies you’d like to see, and they mail you a DVD of the first available one. You keep it as long as you want, then mail it back in the provided self-addressed, stamped envelope. Once that is received, they send you the next one.
I’m signed up for the lowest level, which is two movies a month for a little over ten bucks. It’s no cheaper than the video store, but I don’t have to drive over there (twice) and there are no late fees. And the selection is incredible - 53,000 titles, at last count.
One enjoyable aspects they don’t talk about much is creating your Ziplist of movies you’d like to see. It’s sort of like making a Christmas wish list for your own entertainment. Whenever a friend tells you about a great movie they’ve seen, or a colleague reminds you of classic you’ve always been meaning to watch, or you read one of those top 100 lists, you can rush to the nearest computer and add it to your list.
And one day it will show up on your doorstep. That part is the best - finding a slim red envelope in your mailbox and tearing it open to see what you get this week. Mini Christmas mornings, twice monthly!
Not a bad little racket. But my brother-in-law had a point when he asked why this service is any better than a download system like Rogers on Demand, where you simply order the movie right through your TV and watch it then and there.
Zip has a few advantages. The selection is extraordinary: 53,000 films eclipses the 3,000 available on demand (and beats the pants off the selection in any video store.) And of course you can keep it as long as you want, whereas most on demand movies self-destruct after 24 hours.
Still, these advantages are temporary. It seems to me just a matter of time before all 53,000 or more are available online - that’s just a matter of storage and bandwidth, and we all know those are advancing to they point where they’re almost free. And the 24 hour window is completely arbitrary.
I think services like Zip.ca have about two more years before they become entirely obsolete. In fact, Zip thinks so too, which is why they’ve recently announced they are pushing into online movie delivery post haste.
After mailing customers a whopping six million DVDs, thus becoming Canada’s busiest online video service in just three years, Zip.ca is about to launch Zip.tv. The goal is to not only bypass Canada Post by enabling downloads of movies and TV shows, but also to offer free hosting of user-generated video content.
DVD-by-mail is, when you think about it, rather ridiculous.
You have digital content, I want digital content to play on my digital device. So let’s make a physical copy of it, and put it in a truck and carry it to my doorstep, and then ship it back again? Absurd.
We’ll no doubt look back at this in a few years and laugh. Actually, some are doing so already. At left is a Zip parody that was included in an entry to the CBC.ca 10th Anniversary contest by Sam Solomon from Montreal. Despite getting my vote, it wasn’t a finalist, which I think is a shame.
Anyhow, for the moment, I’m enjoying a weird little window in between technologies.
Here are the first five movies I received, in order:
A B&W classic, a martial arts flick, a French-Canadian drama, a sports documentary and a zombie movie. A disparate lot, but they suit me just fine (I’ve greedily decided that these are movies for me, not my wife, who is usually too tired to watch movies on a school night.)
I’m taking recommendations… my Ziplist awaits.
For the past couple of days, CBC’s Toronto HQ has been invaded… by the competition.
If you’ve ever seen the Canadian Broadcasting Centre on Front Street (across from the Skydome Rogers Centre) you might have noticed a huge red cube on the roof. That’s Studio 40 (but nowhere near the Sunset Strip.) It’s a 13,000 sq. ft. high-end television studio, which gets rented out to film and TV shoots when CBC isn’t using it.
Of course, you might recall CBC’s desire to ditch in-house production, meaning that CBC won’t be using the Big Red Box much.
So, Studio 40 is for rent.
This week, it’s rented out to a very high profile operation: Deal or No Deal Canada.
Which is, of course, not CBC’s show. It belongs to Global TV, our competition, who plan to air the first episode at 10:00 p.m. on Feb. 4, 2007, right after the Super Bowl.
I call that the competition, but it’s not much of a contest really. CBC-TV will presumably be on air then, wowing the post-Super Bowl crowd with CBC News: Sunday Night. But, thanks to our fabulous facilities, Carol and Evan can look forward to an ass-kicking courtesy of Howie and the folks at CanWestGlobalAllianceAtlantisGoldmanSachs.
I know, I know. If we said “No Deal”, they’d have just rented some other studio, and we wouldn’t have all those howiebucks to “put back into high quality Canadian programming.” We know the drill; it’s the same reason we let them remove the cafeteria and outsource the publicity department and “compress” our office space. Who’d say no to programming dollars? (Even if they come via another network’s programming dollars….)
Anyhow, the prospect of 26 semi-clad models showing briefcases to a bald ex-pat has the press drooling on their laptops. They haven’t had this much imported star enjoyment since Conan O’Brien dropped by to insult Quebecers, or Keith Richards was told he couldn’t bring heroin unless he promised to play guitar.
Anyhow, the whole town is atwitter. You can’t escape it, unless your brain is frozen.
And oh, how I’ve tried to escape it. Daily, actually - but the CBC has apparently rented out all the elevators to Deal or No Deal.
The astute reader will recall that the Green Monster, formerly known as the “public access elevator” has been usurped by the International Academy of Design and Technology, and that a quarter of the remaining elevators are offline while Star Fleet Command installs airlocks. (It should be noted that this vast renovation does not include state-of-the-art features like stairs.)
On top of that, union agreements dictate that two elevators must be under repair at all times. That leaves a single elevator shaft for CBC employees to throw themselves into.
Yesterday, while waiting on the second floor as dozens of full elevators passed us by, my coworkers discussed alternative arrangements to reach the atrium below. A fireman’s pole was suggested, as was an inflatable yellow slide like those seen in downed aircraft (remove your shoes first, please.) If it were of sufficient height, we could probably charge a fee for the ride of a lifetime. The Barbara Frum Memorial Waterslide had a certain appeal as well.
Fortunately, we received an e-mail today from the Manger of Independent Productions (huh?) thanking us for our (assumed) patience. Best of all, it gushed, if we remain patient, they may do this to us on a regular basis!
The ability of the Toronto Production Centre to successfully negotiate the production of Deal or No Deal by using our top-notch facilities and experienced, professional personnel has brought us tremendous exposure and high praise. We hope to capitalize on this positive word-of-mouth in order to seek and attract additional television production for our studios. We thank you again for your patience, understanding and cooperation.
Dandy.
Anyhow, since there is no way of escaping the building in the foreseeable future, I thought I’d go exploring the 10th floor, to see if there were any of those briefcases full of money lying around unattended.
No luck there, but I did see several nine-foot-tall supermodels flouncing about in bathrobes, looking cold and resolutely ignoring the lunch table. I heard mobs of people behind a steel door, chanting either “Howie” or “Zowee!”, but they sounded a bit rabid and I ran away.
I did see something of interest as I fled, though. The hallway is lined with pictures of comedians from past CBC shows, and here’s the framed image right outside the Studio 40 control room:
Howie. Back when he had hair. Back when he worked for CBC, not Global. Zowee!
Before Deal or No Deal, before The Howie Mandel Show, before St. Elsewhere and the Muppet Show, there was “Howie Mandel’s Sunny Skies” (CBC, 1994-1996).
Howie used to be ours, freaks. So, cut me a deal on waiting for my own elevator?
On Monday, Canada’s first TV weatherman died at age 91. Percy Saltzman was the very first person to appear on CBC-TV when it signed on in 1952. He pretty much invented the industry: the first road and forest fire reports, the first use of radar and satellite, and the first signature bit - a flip of the chalk at the end of his reports.
When news of his death broke, I posted his obit on the CBC Archives site, and wrote a short piece for Inside the CBC, which I’ll be assisting with this week.
Then, a comment on that piece absolutely blew my mind: Percy Saltzman had a blog!
Actually, he had a rather decent website, percysaltzman.com.
But the blog is a real eye-opener. Here’s an old guy - a nonagenerian, to be precise - who started a blog in May 2006. Of interest, his first entry was about the death of another famous Canadian, John Kenneth Galbraith.
But it’s his last blog entry that has me reeling. On Dec. 6, 2006, he posted his final piece, entitled Nudies and Me. Here’s how it begins.
All my long life I have doted on the female form divine. It’s a sort of madness, an all-consuming passion, persisting now into my tenth decade.
I welcome the frenzy. It maketh the juices to flow, the mouth to salivate, the throat to tickle and tighten, the eyes to glitter and bulge, the crotch also, the pulse to race, the heart to drum like an all-steel band.
Racy stuff! And it gets racer, with a discussion of catching his parents “in flagrante delicto making the beast with two backs”, lonely adolescent moments when “hormonal surges drove me into an unremitting sexual frenzy, and with no natural female outlet handy, I took myself in hand”, and deflowering his wife on his wedding night:
She was a virgin with as it happened a case-hardened maidenhead made of solid steel. There was no way I could penetrate despite urgent and repeated thrustings.
Avast! Too much! Where’s WebSense when I need it?
That was posted Dec. 6th, and quite possibly the last thing he ever wrote. If you want to get creeped out even further, here’s how his CBC.ca/Arts obit describes his demise:
About six weeks ago, the iconic TV pioneer suffered a seemingly minor injury and his health began deteriorating rapidly, his family said.
I almost expect that last post to trail off with, “and then… I… Arrghhhhhh……………………”
Sorry, that’s a bit harsh. I have great respect for Saltzman and don’t wish to speak ill of him. And I’m not, actually - his blog is extremely well-written, amusing and edgy. If anything, I think even more highly of this pioneer. To be that frank at age 91, to unabashedly post intimate information for the whole world (and even his great granddaughter) to one day read - that’s ballsy. I can only hope to have as much vim at the end of my days.
But it also gets me thinking: what will my last blog post be?
Surely there are others, but Saltzman is the first blogger I’ve encountered to have passed away at the height of his blogging career. Nudies and Me will, presumably, stay online his last chapter. A strange legacy, but something tells me the man wouldn’t object.
Should you treat each post as if it’s your last? There’s a daunting thought.
[Update to this story!]
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